Thursday, March 25, 2010

On Last Glances of MA

From the BU Union Building:

Brilliance concluded.  Lent broken.  Stomach churning with the thought of having to return to the rainy city in just a few hours.  Back to the familiar.  Back to the silence.  Back to routines and friends and everything I know so well.  You love that place: hold on to that thought.

But I can love here, too.  The buildings and the history and the T.  The people I've met in the community and the accents and the used bookstores.  It's new and I like wandering, pretending I belong when I so blatently stand out: west coast vs. east coast in opposition.

I don't want to go home.  Maybe I'm fooling myself by saying I don't like change, that I want everything nailed down.  I love being a stranger.  I love having one completely familiar person to come home to while everyone else is a mystery.  I like just being another face in the crowd: no responnsibility, completely anonymous.  No chance to hurt or be hurt.  No expectations.

I want to graduate and move away.  Live by myself or in a boarding house somewhere.  Learn a new city.  Write a new culture.  Become someone new.

Maybe it's just too esy to fit myself into the mold of who everyone expects me to be.  Changing and growing are scary for others, and therefore supressed.  But here, I can be who I am, without the limitations of expectations.

I will always watch and listen to people, and they will always make me smile.  I need to learn how to love a new people, without skinny jeans and vans, with leggings as pants.  I need to put aside myself.  I need to relearn how to forgive...  That one might be the hardest lesson to engrain in my head.  Mostly because I so strongly just don't give a damn right now.  I would rather stay the way I am.  Fear of change?  I'm confusing myself now.

I need to write this out and look at it.  Why haven't I done that yet?  A possible project for the plane.

Strip bed, drop off key and thank you note, take drugs, pack bookbag, learn to forgive, read McSweeny's.  Assignments

Why is it so hard for me to let go of bitterness?  Really.  When the theme of my life comes directly from "love each other deeply, for love covers over a multitude of sins," how can I hold on so desperately to hatred?  I can't get over being hurt easily.  Oh well... we live and learn to love better.  And I would rather be broken than do the breaking.  All righ, bitterness, it's time for you to take a hike.

Fix novel, do laundry, email Ali, order books, order proof copy, guard heart, read over Michael's notes.  Future assignments.


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