On Home

Tonight is the last night I'll spend in this room.

Until, you know, Thanksgiving. Not the longest time frame in the world, but still: something to be noted.

This summer has been so many things: long, short, wonderful, tedious, inspirational, frustrating, joyful, depressing, amazing...

This last week has been so stressful and so terrifying that school's starting has been completely overshadowed.

Hello, sophomore year. How are you feeling today?

Move in tomorrow. Freshmen coming soon. Then classes and studying and late night Beth's runs and brother/sister floor bonding. Add Ben and writing and Jesus, and there's just enough time for (not quite enough) sleep.

And then, of course, the swine flu will probably come attack our campus.

I'm sad that our floor will be different than it was last year. What an amazing time we had, what beautiful girls, what love-filled memories. But this year will be amazing, too, and in a brand new way. I'm excited.

I am out of my mind exhausted. Sleep and stress don't coexist in my world...

What do you have in store for us this year, Lord?

It'll be amazing.

On Prayer

Oh my word.

I have no words.

Sitting up in my bed at 3:40 this morning, crying, saying, "Thank you, Lord. Thank you, Lord," over and over again until the tears quelled.

Our lives are so fragile.

"Tonight the stars speak of your infinite love
And it serves to remind me
That what I have means nothing at all
Compared to your glory.

Oh Lord,
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry, be my strength when I am weak.
Oh Lord, have mercy on me please.

My spirit is willing but my flesh is so weak;
I cry in your arms now.
God, grant me the strength to rest in you;
I lift my hands and cry.

Oh Lord,
How long till your voice speaks clearly?
How long till your arms envelope me?
I cry, be my strength when I am weak.
Oh Lord, have mercy on me please."
Thank you, Lord.

On Hope (Please Take Some!)

This last year, my life exploded in the best way possible. I made so many amazing friends, learned about my world and myself. But most importantly, I learned so much about God. I started thinking about what I believed on a personal level, instead of just willingly lapping up all of the (sometimes bullshit) doctrine shoved toward me by my school, church, friends, teachers, and books. I started to think for myself, and learned that Jesus is greater than I ever could have imagined. And that blew my mind.

All of this to say: before this year, I didn't live with a ton of hope. God was always an afterthought. Something would start to go a little screwy and I'd throw up a quick prayer. But living with my heart leading the way instead of God led to a sad and empty little existence.

But this year, when things came along that made me sad (like a boy or sickness or accidentally hurting a friend or past mistakes being dragged up through a stupid facebook message), although I still felt my full range of emotions, although tears and sleepless nights still happened, there was this happy thing that kept me from feeling bogged down and completely useless: hope.

I'm not sure where it came from: reading the Bible, more prayer in my life, meaningful relationships, a change of location, an excitement for living. Maybe all of these things. But I suddenly realized that the depressed angry little kid I was for a lot of years is gone. What liberation.

I was just writing an email to a friend who's going through such a tough season in her life, and as I was shelling out all this advice I realized that I'm terrified of giving advice. I always have been. I mean, when someone asks for help, they sort of expect you to give them meaningful answers, say something to actually be helpful. And I am hesitant with those words: what if what I say just makes it worse? There's some self-doubt for you.

But as I was typing this email, and the words and verses and analogies and what I hope were encouraging words started flowing, I realized that I shouldn't be fearful because everything I was saying is so true. That Jesus is the author of hope and love and sometimes being released from brokenness is the most painful thing in the world, but also so necessary.

I don't know. Our lives are never going to play out exactly the way we think they will, but oftentimes if we just let go, these amazing things we never imagined come pouring into our life without end. And that's so amazing.

Like a passion for the Word;
Like an inexpressible craving to worship;
Like a best friend absolutely filled with light and joy;
Like a relationship with a tri-lingual crazy face;
Like a sister who is entirely inspiring;
Like a promise that we will never be abandoned or forsaken.

On Rainy Days

Sitting in a small restaurant, across the table from someone I care for so much, watching the rain pound down.
Thank you, Lord, for that beauty.
For the cool freshness that stings lungs with deep breaths.
For the stormy grey ocean.
For the simple smell of autumn.
For the strip of orange above the horizon, as the sun dips below.
For a warm car, warm hands.

On Saturday...

As per request of el novio:

8/29/09

Head popping off the cushion of the mattress, listening hard. No... it's not raining! What relief floods through the senses, laying back on the bed, closing eyes once again.

Later, sitting cross-legged in the midst of a mess of picture croppings, stickers, markers, pens, tickets, memories...

Later, buzzing about town, stopping at Trader Joe's to purchase bread and cheese and grapes...

Later, sitting in the big chair in the living room, listening to Mom talk about [something]; seeing a white car pull up in front of the house...

Roses;
Hugs;
Secret locations.

No, we're not going tandem bike riding.

Strolling through the sunny streets of Edmonds, hand in hand;
Sitting on a blanket in a sun-dappled field;
Walking through sand, unexpected sun beating down;
Snuggling in a chair, watching Seinfeld and Friends;
Perching on a counter, watching him cook;
Eating (very tasty foods) together;
Waiting for night to descend;
Watching Marlin and Dory search for Elmo...

Where's my trailer? I need water! Fill my trailer with water...

Lips on lips.

Accidental laughter;
Star gazing;
Stealing the blanket from one another.

I can't seem to catch my breath...