Saturday, August 6, 2011

thoughts on the next five months

I feel like we're all on this conveyor belt, moving towards the end and we're moving at different speeds, and at graduation we're going to fall off the end, and it's ok because we're not falling off the end off a cliff or anything awful but we just sort of tumble off with a bit of a bump and land in this field.  And some people sprint off and hop right on another conveyor belt, and some people wander around a little dazed and then start marching off their own direction.  And some people hit the ground running and jump right into a new activity.  But I'm scared that I'll tumble off the end and just sit there, paralyzed with fear, unable to move the slightest bit, not sure where to go or what's next or how I'm even supposed to start to try and figure that out.  Like, I don't think I can explain how fucking scary this is for me.  I am literally terrified.  Writing this down is scaring the shit out of me.

Oh man.

I've been training my entire life for this moment but in spite of that I have no idea what to do.  Maybe it will make more sense soon?  Maybe things will fall into place.  Or maybe I'm just going to have to be in limbo for a few months and figure that out.  And that will be ok, and I'll figure it out and volunteer and see people and interact with the world.  I won't be sitting in a dark corner with no one around, rocking back and forth, ripping out my hair, while trying to figure out the answers to life's big questions.  I'll still be living.  And I'll figure things out.  And they're not going to look like plans I would make if I was even making plans so it's ok that they don't and that I don't have plans it's ok it's really ok everything will be well.  But I still am scared when I think about those things, a lot scared, and I think I needed to write that down and actually admit that that is how I'm feeling most of the time because people keep asking how I'm feeling about school starting again and then graduating and this is how I'm feeling thanks for asking.  I'm so scared.  But I know that it's not going to be the end of my life.  But I'm still scared.  Is that ok?

Please tell me that it's ok because sometimes I feel so alone in the ways that I feel about things but it so often turns out that we're all feeling the same things about the big things in life but we never share those with each other because we can't see inside of one another and we'll never admit to the bad feelings because for some wicked reason we've been taught that we're not supposed to feel these things even though it's so normal and everyone's feeling them why can't we just be honest with one another for once please?

Thursday, August 4, 2011


You came home, lugging a suitcase full of sand.  I said, "This isn't exactly what I meant."  You took my hand and told me to stand inside.  "Now you can be somewhere else whenever you need."  It was better than a snow globe.

Tuesday, August 2, 2011


Yesterday you came home to find me clothes-pinning leaves back onto the branches of the tree that stands outside your front door.  You love the autumn.  You asked me why I was wasting clothes pins.

Monday, August 1, 2011


Strangers are walking past but they're not strangers, they're your brothers and your second grade teachers and your third cousins and everyone you've ever known and they all seem to know each other without knowing each other and without knowing you because sometimes we have to pretend to be strangers, to be detached because we need independence or we need control but we're all the same in our differences and our longing to be known and held and loved without having to admit that we're fractured and flawed and don't have a clue.  So we just stand there sometimes, being nudged and knocked by the passing bodies or your mother, your grandmother, your insurance agent, until the ebbing starts to feel like the ocean and it turns out you've accidentally drowned.