Thursday, January 21, 2010

On Winter

Here, in this office, at this desk, on this floor, I am a habitual email checker.  Seriously.  At least once ever ten minutes.  And most of the time, it's a fruitless endeavor.  No New Mail!  Thanks, Gmail, for being so cheery about that.  Somtimes I just really want contact from the outside world, to take a small break from making name tags, making copies, making phone calls.  Just a few words from dear ones.

But everyone else is in class, asleep, doing homework, frolicking in the unexpected January sunshine that's been hanging around for these past four days.

I just want to hear from you.  Is that outlandish?

We sang my most favorite song in the world last night at group.  I wrote a bit about it before.  It is just so beautiful.  And this has to be the cry of my heart, to only dwell in Him.  That's the only thing worth living for in the midst of so much questioning.

Our world is breaking.  And I'm stuck in the position of being so unsure how I'm supposed to help anyone.  I'm so lost in the midst of questioning where I'm going and who I am and what's the point of my life, that I can barely keep the relationships around me afloat, let alone spread God's love to the world.

I feel powerless.  Useless.  Idle.  Stagnant.  Small.

I'm learning too much about too many issues that I care about, and I don't know what I can do to make them any better, to reach out to those who are hurting, to be Christ's hands and feet.

Everyone is breaking.  Is it wrong to think that prayer is not enough?

And what happens when God says no?

This is enough:  "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience.  Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.  Forgive as the Lord forgave you.  And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.  Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace.  And be thankful.  Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly as you teach and admonish one another with all wisdom, and as you sing pslams, hymns and spiritual songs with gratitude in your hearts to God.  And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him."  Colossians 3:12-17

If my heart has one ambition,
If my soul one goal to seek,
This my solitary vision:
That I only dwell in Thee,
'Til I only dwell in Thee.

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