Just returned from a study trip to the Queen Anne Starbucks. Now, sitting at my desk, eating oatmeal, listening to the rain, and unable to pry my eyes off the beauty of the red, orange, yellow, green trees outside my window. Seattle has been living up to its reputation these past few days. And I could not be happier. The rain. It's amazing. It makes me want to breathe, and sigh, and close my eyes for just about forever. Listen. Oh, thank You, my Lord, for such beauty. You know when you're walking in the early afternoon and the rain is falling fast and steady and a wind blows through the perfect autumn tress, and suddenly leaves are cascading down like flurries of snow? I love that. This week has been a struggle, though. And I'm not sure why. I've not been spending the time with Jesus that I should, and I've sort of curled up inside myself. Some thoughts on that from Wednesday:
I am selfish and tired and antisocial in this moment. God, can you please take the focus off of me? I don't have the capacity to exist in these diverse and conflicting mindsets demanded. I am such a small, grumpy, closed-up, detached, judgmental person. This running commentary in my head, it's disturbing. I don't know what to do with these thoughts of hatred and impatience that are so far and foreign from the person I claim to be, yet so intrinsically tired to my heart. I need You, God, to reach inside me and rip out my selfish heart of stone. I don't care if it'll hurt, God: I need You in my heart, and You only to make me whole. I've been struggling a lot lately with impatience. I think it's because I have a hard time understanding people's minds when they don't exactly conduct themselves as I would. For example... I don't necessarily thrive on attention; in fact, I avoid it as much as possible. And when others strive for attention more than anything else, I just get really confused. Why do you long for others to focus on you? What validation exactly are you looking for by having all eyes, all ears, turned toward you? I can't fathom the depths of your mind. "Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues, put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity."