Friday, December 23, 2011

it's the holiday season

There are so many things that could come up, so many questions that I have the wrong answers to.  I know that they're not the wrong answers, don't get too concerned here, because I'm learning about myself and what I think and the world and people and how to do life and be a person and I don't have anything figured out at all but I think that's probably a good sign, but my answers will be wrong to them.  And I don't want to cause a scene.  I don't want people to be hurt.  I don't want to have to defend the things I say or the way I act or the beliefs I do or do not hold.  I just want to be able to be me, to be the screwed up, anxiety-ridden, scared, doubtful, uncertain little person that I am every day, and have them say that that's ok, and that they'll still love me.  Because I don't need rules.  I don't need to hear what's right and wrong about my relationships or my future or my faith or my views.  I just need you to love me.  Because that's what family is for, isn't it?  I'm so scared of judgment.  Maybe because I know that so many things, so many of these wrong answers will lead to so much disappointment from all of them, over on that side, on that team.  How have I fallen so far?  How can they bring me back into the light, back into the fold?  Where did I go so wrong?

I don't feel wrong.  I'm not a disappointment.  So please don't be disappointed in me.  Christmas isn't supposed to be scary.  But I can't get away from the scenes that play themselves out in my head of shouting matches, of interrogations, of everything wrong.  Dread.  Fear.  Shaking.  I don't know what to do other than be me.

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