Saturday, August 6, 2011

thoughts on the next five months

I feel like we're all on this conveyor belt, moving towards the end and we're moving at different speeds, and at graduation we're going to fall off the end, and it's ok because we're not falling off the end off a cliff or anything awful but we just sort of tumble off with a bit of a bump and land in this field.  And some people sprint off and hop right on another conveyor belt, and some people wander around a little dazed and then start marching off their own direction.  And some people hit the ground running and jump right into a new activity.  But I'm scared that I'll tumble off the end and just sit there, paralyzed with fear, unable to move the slightest bit, not sure where to go or what's next or how I'm even supposed to start to try and figure that out.  Like, I don't think I can explain how fucking scary this is for me.  I am literally terrified.  Writing this down is scaring the shit out of me.

Oh man.

I've been training my entire life for this moment but in spite of that I have no idea what to do.  Maybe it will make more sense soon?  Maybe things will fall into place.  Or maybe I'm just going to have to be in limbo for a few months and figure that out.  And that will be ok, and I'll figure it out and volunteer and see people and interact with the world.  I won't be sitting in a dark corner with no one around, rocking back and forth, ripping out my hair, while trying to figure out the answers to life's big questions.  I'll still be living.  And I'll figure things out.  And they're not going to look like plans I would make if I was even making plans so it's ok that they don't and that I don't have plans it's ok it's really ok everything will be well.  But I still am scared when I think about those things, a lot scared, and I think I needed to write that down and actually admit that that is how I'm feeling most of the time because people keep asking how I'm feeling about school starting again and then graduating and this is how I'm feeling thanks for asking.  I'm so scared.  But I know that it's not going to be the end of my life.  But I'm still scared.  Is that ok?

Please tell me that it's ok because sometimes I feel so alone in the ways that I feel about things but it so often turns out that we're all feeling the same things about the big things in life but we never share those with each other because we can't see inside of one another and we'll never admit to the bad feelings because for some wicked reason we've been taught that we're not supposed to feel these things even though it's so normal and everyone's feeling them why can't we just be honest with one another for once please?


  1. From the end of the conveyor belt: it's okay. Much less scary than it seems. It's also okay, I think, not to know anything about what's next - maybe that's the blessing of this part of life. Trusting God, who does know.

  2. Maybe it's not the end of the conveyer belt at all, if we zoom out a bit. And almost definitely... there will be people with us all along, who, when we decide to fall/jump off the conveyer belt, will walk/run/egg roll along side it with us until we are ready to get back on. Or to build one of our own.

  3. So fun story: someone hasn't been keeping up with their RSS's definitely okay. It's okay to be scared, and to not know, and to stay scared, even when you're reassured. I have other thoughts, but they can wait for a forum that isn't a text box.