Allyson

"Can you tell me about Iona?"

Thank you for asking that question, dear friend.  Thank you for drinking tea with me on the couch, for listening to stories, for being excited about green stones, for knowing that our God is good.  I love this.

I love last night and talking with Nate and Em about last year and right now and why things happen.

I love hearing about your plans, your ideal post-college life.  Don't let anyone tell you it won't work out, because they don't know you, they don't know your heart.  You'll save the world by being a waitress.  I know you will.  Your joy is contagious.

"God is just funny.  He's just so funny."

Preach.

What I Actually Read This Summer

My plan vs. what I actually read:

1. The Echo Within by Robert Benson
2. When You Are Engulfed in Flames by David Sedaris
3. Love is an Orientation by Andrew Marin
4. Cat's Eye by Margaret Atwood
5. Girlfriend in a Coma by Douglas Coupland
6. Sanctified: An Anthology of Poetry by LGBT Christians edited by Justin Cannon
7. Me Talk Pretty One Day by David Sedaris
8. The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows
9. A Room with a View by E. M. Forster
10. A Live Coal in the Sea by Madeleine L'Engle
11. Zeitoun by Dave Eggers
12. To Become a Queen by Ali Morgan
13. The Virgin Suicides by Jeffrey Eugenides
14. God Hates Fags: The Rhetorics of Religious Violence by Michael Cobb
15. A Confederacy of Dunces by John Kennedy Toole
16. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
17. Giovanni's Room by James Baldwin
18. Jesus for President by Shane Claiborne and Chris Haw
19. Middlesex by Jeffrey Eugenides
20. Go Tell It on the Mountain by James Baldwin

Highly recommend: 2, 3, 8, 9, 12, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19

At the Canal

Strapped on dog masks
Snatching the Body of Christ.
Someday [soon?] I'll be as
Starving for You as they.

You are Light.

All of my friends who work on campus are really cool and involved in leadership, and therefore very busy with eating in Gwinn/engaging the culture and changing the world/not hanging out with me at lunch time.  So I went on up to Martin Square with my water bottle and yogurt and read Ephesians.

Paul's cool.  I'm a fan.

Take a look:

"Let no one deceive you with empty words, for because of these things the wrath of God comes upon the sons of disobedience.  Therefore do not become partners with them; for at one time you were darkness, but now you are light in the Lord.  Walk as children of light (for the fruit of light is found in all that is good and right and true), and try to discern what is pleasing to the Lord."  Ephesians 5:6-10

I always thought the verse was "for at one time you were in darkness, but now you are in light."  But it's not that at all.  For at one time you were darkness.

You were darkness.

Those are powerful words.  With the addition of a little preposition, we turn into a victim.  I see someone stumbling around woods on a cloudy night with no flashlight.  I see a group of college students playing Fugitive on Whidbey Island, the warm hand in my hand the only contact with humanity, blind to whatever terrors lie in the darkness.

But we weren't in the darkness.  We were the darkness.

Maybe the first thing that comes to mind is the smoke monster from LOST, but the following images are much more terrifying.  Someone shrouded in darkness, bringing shadow and sorrow with them wherever they tread.  Negativity, discouragement, hatred, suppression, exploitation, all in this cloud of darkness.  Yes, we were this person.  I was this person.  I still have my moments.

But now you are light in the Lord.

You are light.  You are light. 

You know when you're sitting around a bonfire, and the sun has set, and the sky is that deep, deep blue, and you're sitting just close enough to the fire that your back is a little too cold and your front is a little too hot?  Everyone around you, talking, laughing, eating s'mores, is staring nowhere but into the flames.  When ensconced in darkness, we seek out any light.  And the smallest possible light is not drowned by the darkness.

The smallest spark is enough to light our path.

And you are light.

You are my light.

Bucket List

Yesterday evening, or this morning, or sometime recently I was thinking about things I want to do in my life.  A while ago, my mom asked me if I had a 'bucket list,' and I just laughed and said no.  I mean, what would even be on that list?  Let's see:

Ride a camel.
Live in Scotland.
Get published.
Own a massive boat.
Sky dive.
Go to Antarctica.
Be on a talk show...

These are things that I think about occasionally, that would just be so awesome to do.  But isn't a bucket list supposed to be full of things you want to do before you die?  So while chillin' with the penguins, up to my ears in cold would be great, I would not count my life as incomplete were I to die without fulfilling these fantasies.

But if we're thinking about things to do before death, what's really important?  What do I need to do with my life in order to have lived well?

Learn.
Love.
Bring more hope than pain.

And these things, I don't need to travel or have a lot of money [or literary brilliance] to do them.  I can do them right now, where I am in my life.  I can do them every day until, as my grandfather says, I 'graduate.'  And that's kind of cool.

I know they look abstract, but with abstractions in my heart, fueling my life, out comes concrete fruit.  Little things: smiles, listening, encouragement.  That's what I sit with, that is always my goal.  Little things every day.

But I think I'll still be sad if I never get published.

Much love.

Just Thinking

Do piano strings break?
Do wings grow back
                  that have been torn
                                                     off?
Does action mean words?
Does love mean agreeing
                  with every little point?
Does piety equal pride?
Does tolerance put you on
                  the fast track down?
Does thinking about God
                 mean prayer?
Does difference mean you
                 don’t deserve to live?

please

I weave a silence onto my lips.
I weave a silence into my mind.
I weave a silence within my heart.
I close my ears to distractions.
I close my eyes to attractions.
I close my heart to temptations.
-David Adam

I was just reading back over parts of Confessions.  I realized it is the coinciding of everything I care about: words, people, theology, the gay community, and hugs.  Those are the passions I wrote down in my journal earlier today.

It's something worth pursuing.

That, at least, is encouraging.

Here and There

Judging by the mountain of used tissues in the garbage can beside my bed, someone has come down with a cold.  I'm very good at getting sick during the summer.

A quick note on swallowing:  if we're in the same room and I can hear you swallowing, one of three things needs to change. 
A)  the current volume in the room [it is way too quiet if I can hear you swallowing!]
B)  the distance between our bodies [I should probably not have my ear pressed against your throat if I don't want to hear you swallowing], OR
C)  you need to learn to swallow less loudly [seriously, it's disgusting].

What I've done with this lazy sick day, besides a lot of sneezing and playing an absurd amount of Jewels on my phone [I just got a really high score!], is some youtube-ing.  That's right, I took three hours and watched both Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog and A Very Potter Musical.  It was the best choice I've ever made in my life.  Sometimes, I wish my life was Harry Potter.  Admit it: you do too.

In other news, my friends are really cool.  Three are in China, one is in New York, one just got home from Guatemala, one is in Australia.  I like them [am jealous] a lot.

Would it?

What if you were never born?  Would the world be any different?