On Willingness

There's a great possibility that I have fallen completely in love with you at some point in my life. 

It's like my heart can't be tamed: I fall in love every day.  And I feel like a fool.

This weekend was exhausting.  Show at the Q.  Time with friends (from two worlds; I love it when they mix).  Sleeping in a bed not my own.  Bus riding, sun burning, hippy-kid watching, mac'n'cheese eating, photo snapping. [I love my Jilly].  Melancholy.  Thanks be to God.  Snacks.  Warm fuzzies.  Running, screaming intimidations, posing, laughing, cupcake eating, playground playing, finding true love.  LOST.

Today is Monday.  Today begins week number nine of this quarter.  This is ridiculous.  This year has turned out so much differently than I ever could have imagined.  While I never would have wished for about 90% of the things that went down, I have grown so much and it's been so completely worth it.

God is really good.  And He is really big.  And His plans are so much greater than anything I have in mind.  He is teaching me so much about letting go of my plans, of my vision, of my own petty control seeking.  He is teaching me to look to Him first when things start going south.  He is teaching me about hope and joy even when things suck, even when it's been raining for six months, even when everyone is complaining and crying and broken, that He is still good.  He is teaching me about encouragement, and how giving is so much more rewarding than taking ever could be.  He is teaching me about people, and love, and inspiration found in the most unexpected places.  He is teaching me how to break down the walls around my heart again, to be open and genuine in terrifying places.  He is teaching me to be still, to be silent, to be His.

And you, Solomon my son, know the God of your father and serve him with a whole heart and with a willing mind, for the LORD searches all hearts and understands every plan and thought. If you seek him, he will be found by you, but if you forsake him, he will cast you off forever.    1 Chronicles 28:9

I am so tired.  It seems as though I've not gotten enough rest since the first of the year.  But I'm learning that love doesn't wait for us to feel better.  Calling doesn't pause until we've had a nap.  Opportunity doesn't stand to the side until we're finished with that paper.  We are called to love, and called to love now.  Even though it's hard and painful and exhausting and unrewarding.

This is my call.  I will not flee from it.

Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you, in order to bring praise to God.     Romans 15:7

I think what I'm trying to say is that I've learned that God has work for me to do all the time: in the best moments when it's so much happiness to be doing so, but also in the moments where I want to curl up in a ball and not talk to anyone ever.  And it's not ok for me to wait until I'm ready to start doing this work; this isn't about me.  God can work through me even when in every sense I have been exhausted: He is bigger than that.  I just need to be open. 

And that is my prayer.

Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, "Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?" And I said, "Here am I. Send me!" Isaiah 6:8