Postcards

Because everybody should be proud of what they’re good at but sometimes that’s a challenge which is what Mom calls things that are hard to do and you might have to hear someone else say they’re proud of you before you can be proud of yourself even if it’s just a stranger who sent you a postcard by mistake.

Also, a picture of books

The phrase "don't take this the wrong way, but" should never be used.

The right words

My dear,

I want to change the world with the right words. I want to confess my love to you with the right words. I want to nurture a life with the right words.

I have the right ideas, but my words are too… complicated. I need to simplify them, so that people won’t get lost in the dark when they see and hear them. I want them to shine like beacons of light in a world of overly complicated darkness.

One day I will find the right words, and they will be simple.

Truly yours,
Jean-Louis “Jack” Kerouac

I want this, too.

I feel infinite

Two completely unrelated things.

--

Sometimes I am surprised at the unquenchable urge I have to run away from everything, if only for a few hours.  I want to be surrounded by strangers who don't care if I'm me or I'm not, who are not hard to love.  This probably stems from laziness, from my own pettiness that is always leading to annoyance with those aound me.  Because it's easier to imediately love or hate someone new than to sustain a faithful relationship over years once you start to know someone and they think they know you.

It's funny, isn't it, the way we see ourselves in regards to other people?  Because while everyone else is a bottomless pit of "oh my god, will you please stop doing that," we are this shining beacon of all that is beautiful (and never obnoxious at all) in the world.  If only the rest of humanity could be as gifted, such a blessing, as we are.  Wouldn't the earth be such a lovely place to dwell?

Silly and false, I know.  If I interacted with other people who were only like me, some serious shit would go down.  It would be so awful.  I just need to work on being more patient, and not mutter Spanish or obscenities under my breath whenever I'm annoyed by someone close to me.  Because I do have the ability to up and get over myself and actually love people.  I promise.  But sometimes it's easier (and more fun) to be a small person and dwell on how great it all would be were everyone to just take notes and attempt to live exactly as I do.

--

I finished reading The Perks of being a Wallflower last night just before we went over to celebrate Candice's birthday.  It was amazing.  It's one of those books that I wish I had written.  Charlie is such a lovable, unique, real character.  There is so much weight and worth in his story.

So, I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.  And maybe we'll never know most of them.  But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we will go from there.  We can still do things.  And we can try to feel okay about them.

Seven Thoughts

1. Sit and breathe and wait.  Sometimes my mind goes crazy trying to work out all the things I need to do when really the only thing I need to do is sit and breathe and wait.  Sit, looking out at trees that will once again be green, just give them a few months' time (we're all allowed our seasons).  Breathe, because that one's required for living and if you take enough deep breaths you'll be able to keep calm and carry on.  Wait, because time always goes the same speed and there will be moments (so much sooner than you'd like to admit) when you'll be begging the seconds to slow so appreciate this moment now.
2. There is a certain giddy laughter that almost always accompanies the admittance of not knowing the answers to anything, this flood of certain freedom about an uncertain future threatening to up and drown the asker.  But you keep it bottled, with a cheeky, knowing smile and go on your merry way.
3. Sometimes I don't like noise, and then I think, "What utter bullshit, you who would have music blasting at all opportunities if granted control of the universe (and amazing music at that), you who does not do well with silence (there has to be some sort of rustling - cue endless internal gabbing), you who merely has a problem with outside noise, with other people noise, with anything you yourself cannot control because you have a pathological desire to control everything!" and then I say, "Can you keep it down?" to my criticism of myself, "I'm trying to listen to the cars go by."
4. These pages are a good size because I can fill them quickly with little blue words and feel as though I've accomplished something grand with my life.  I'll just be waiting over here for my trophy.
5. Some of the funniest moments are when I scare myself.  I feel like my cat.
6. I honestly think, somewhere deep (deep) down, beneath all the yammering and secret desire for all attention to be always and only on me, that I could be perfectly content never having another soul read my writing for the pure and simple reason that I am so entirely entertained by it myself (says she while plotting to post this on the interwebs for others to read and fawn over and give this genius the recognition it obviously deserves).
7. I miss you.  I can't wait to see you.

Why Christianity Scares Me

Disclaimer: this post is probably of no interest to anyone but me.  Feel free to stop reading now and go listen to this song to put a smile on your face and get a wee bit of Christmas cheer.

Earlier today, my mom and I went to Wight's nursery to see the trees and the decorations and eat a cookie.  Then we popped in the Christian bookstore next door because she wanted to get a few stocking stuffers for the cousins.  I wandered, remembering how much I used to love this store, how I couldn't escape without buying a book or a journal or some sheet music.

But now... but now...

There are things that scare me about Christianity in this time, in this place.  Like how Laura Bush and Sarah Palin's books are sold alongside Biblical commentaries.  Like how living the American dream is synonymous with living the Christian life.  Like a lot of other things.

I was looking at board games because my roommate has quite a fondness for them, and ran across this one.  Faith & Redemption.  Now I know I have this nasty habit of over-analyzing the theology of anything in front of me to a point that's probably unhealthy.  But this game utterly terrified me.  The goal of this game - as I gathered from a detailed perusing of the back of the box - is to journey from the Garden of Eden to the Judgment Day while gathering followers.  The more followers gathered, the more prayers and miracles granted to that player; and "in the end, the player with the fewest amount of sin conquers Satan and wins the game."

Is this concerning to anyone else?

Anna, calm the hell down, it's a board game; let's relax.

I know, I know, I know, but hear me out.  If these are the messages that are being portrayed to young kids in Christian homes or Sunday School, this is what's going to form their theological understanding for their future lives.  The more people you convert, the more likely it is that God will answer your prayers?  And if you sin as little as possible, you win?

It scares me because evangelism looks like the opposite of reconciliation.

Concerned rant over.

PS: Em, don't worry.  I didn't get you this game for your Christmas present.  I was tempted, though.

What if?

There’s something in that sigh:
Did you hear it?
A longing, but not a longing; a
Simple happy sadness; a thought
Of remembrance; a whisper of
What if?
What if?
What if?
A knowing that this is better, all
Has been well; a longing for touch
Satiated now, to be awaked with
Each sigh of what if.